American Idol - Jordin Sparks Wins

The suspense to find out who the next American Idol would be, was almost too much.

The show opened with Randy saying “Dude, I think it’s going to be a hot night”. He thinks he’s Paris Hilton. Everything is hot.

Gwen Stefani did her favorite song from her new CD. It was dreadfully dull, but she sang it while dressed up as a strawberry truffle, which was rather interesting. A truffle with black stockings and high heels.

Kelly Clarkson came out and shouted out a song. Thigh High boots were not a smart choice.

They did the Golden Idol Awards and Margaret Fowler won the first one. She was there in her oversized Tweety Bird outfit. They gave her much too much air time the first time.

What happened to Constantine Maroulis? Didn’t the dude used to be hot?

David Hasselhoff was smiling.

Up for the next Golden Idol award was the Best Buddies Award. We all knew who would win, and it wasn’t going to be Simon and Ryan or the tramp sisters, Antonella and Amanda. It was good to see Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Briggs again. Okay, it was really creepy to see them again, although Jonathan seems like a nice kid having a good time. Kenneth is Circus material. X-Files Circus material. Ryan says that American Idol sponsored a Bush Baby at the Milwaukee Zoo under the name of Simon. That’s kind of funny if it’s true. They have a Bush Baby at the Milwaukee Zoo, but no mention on the zoo's website of it being named Simon.

Ryan gave Jordin and Blake keys to their brand new Ford Mustangs.

The suspense was really getting to me. Who would win?

Carrie Underwood slowed down the pace with another boring song. At some point she was dressed as a moth.

Clive Davis came out and said that American Idol was a franchise and the contest was a sham and it didn't matter who won, because even an a conceited asshole like Chris Daughtry, who was voted off before Elliot Yamin, can come in and knock the current Idol, Taylor Hicks, right out of the playing field by selling a bazillion records against the two records Taylor Hicks sold. Or something like that.

He talked about Fantasia and the camera focused on Smokey Robinson. I guess when Smokey wears a pair of earrings, he’s a dead ringer for Fantasia.

Then there was Sanjaya backed up by Joe Perry. The little girl who cried was in the audience. She was crying. Maybe because she knew she was the butt of so many jokes, or perhaps they just pepper sprayed her again.

Green Day was more boring than the boring acts before them. They sang Working Class Hero and the lyrics to the song were:

A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Taylor Hicks. Smooth. He looked good and I woke up a bit.

Jordin finally got to sing with someone who made her look normal sized. I had no idea Rubin was so huge. I wanted to see him stand next to Blake.

The suspense was unbearable.

Bette Midler. Oh my. She sounded like an old lady. Okay, she’s 60 something, but you don’t expect someone heading to Vegas to take over from Celine to sound like an old lady, you know? That little twirl of the leather skirt was scary, not sexy.

Talking of Scary, Randy and Paula danced to Wind Beneath My Wings.

Kelly Clarkson came out and shouted out Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heartclub Band.

Carrie Underwood sang She’s Leaving Home wearing a dress she must have borrowed from Haley Scarnato’s wardrobe.

Cool commercial for the movie Transformers. I want to see it. I wanted to see it that very minute instead of the watching Idol. I have to wait until July.

It finally gets to the end of the show and we hear the judges opinions one more time for no particular reason.

Simon goosed Paula. Why? Because he can.

I need to know who won!!

The winner is Jordin. I am shocked, just shocked. Oh wait, I’d already checked the results before I watched the show. There was no suspense. Only dullness and boredom.

Blake is relieved that he’s not the one who’s first hit song is going be “This is My Friggin’ Now”.

Jordin sings it.

Group Hug. Shows Over.