American Idol - the Dallas Cattle Call

Pia "Zpia" Easley is the kind of contestant that American Idol should be about. She was stylish, interesting and full of inner sparkle. She could sing, in fact she was a singer rather than a stay at home mom who decided to stroll on down to the American Idol audition to escape her domestic boredom.

But, then the show would just be Star Search and not the Cirque de Disturbia so many of us can't stop watching.

So, let's get to the peculiar, disturbing and creepy.



Queue the banjo music. Bruce Dickson is asked to tell the judges something interesting about himself. The fascinating tidbit he shares is that he has never kissed a girl. Randy asked if it was on purpose. Bruce wears a key on a chain around his neck. He's saving it for that very special girl that he will not kiss until his wedding day and the key fits into a very special heart locket, which he will bestow upon that girl one day, but in the meantime the heart locket is on a chain around his Dad's neck. They lean together and show how the key fits into the slot of the heart. Now that's just Queer, and I don't mean in a homosexual way, they are father and son after all, just queer in the peculiar and creepy sense of the word. His voice isn't bad, but Bruce is not going to Hollywood this year and Randy advises him to go kiss some girls and come back next year.

Brandon Green. Ah, Brandon, if only you hadn't shared your nasty little OCD habit with us, you'd be so much better off. He looks normal, but then he brings out his little baggy full of his own fingernail clippings. He's saved them for seven years, making sure we know he's not a nail biter, just a nail peeler. That makes it so much better. I can't remember how his singing was, only the fingernails. He gets a golden ticket to Hollywood.

Kayla Hatfield had a car accident that made her look like Kyra Sedgewick. Simon wants to be her for a couple of hours each day and he puts in the first “yes” vote to keep her around, so that he can try to find out the secret to happiness. Or steal it from her later.

Kady Malloy is pretty cool and probably one to watch.

Day two of the Dallas auditions brings a tragedy in the form of Douglas Davidson. Doug has father issues. Apparently dad caught him singing one day when he was 16 and told him he hated him. We are soon to understand why. Doug gets caught up in some kind of a vocal cord anxiety attack and goes between trying to warm up and occasionally shouting out parts of “Livin' on a Prayer” and is no longer hearing the judges, so security has to come and take him to a safe place. Witnessing a meltdown is not funny or entertaining, but here's the video if you need to see for yourself.


Kyle Ensley is this years token geek and I like the guy. I vote him the American Idol contestant most likely to get on our nerves first.

Tammy Tuzinski thought compared herself to Celine Dion. A more appropriate comparison would be Tiny Tim on Prozac.

Colton Swon. Don't you just love that name? It's an American Idol name if ever there was one, but I don't think it will win him the title.

American Idol Drew Poppelreiter! Nope, doesn't have the same ring to it, but he's the token farm boy. Cute, but forgettable at this stage of the game.

We ended up with Renaldo Lupez dressed as Zorro Liberace. He was well over the Idol age limit and seemed to have been brought in at the end to help Simon, Randy and Paula with the emotional stress of their job. It worked and in comparison to the rest of the show, was a nice comic relief.

Take a deep breath and enjoy the next five Idol free days.