Why, Mandisa, Why?

I had planned to say a little something about American Idol this morning, but there’s only one thing that stands out in my mind from last night’s show and it isn't little. I know it’s not considered nice to discuss such things, but I’ve never seen a derriere quite as expansive as Mandisa’s and I don’t think packing it into a pair of tight jeans is fair to the viewing public. Her butt is too big to squeeze into one pair of jeans and she needs to try and tone it down, not stagger us with the sheer expanse and enormity of that part of her anatomy. My senses were assaulted. The camera needs to stay on the woman’s face and not treat us to the sweeping wide angle from behind.

While I was trying to concentrate on the mostly lackluster performances from the remaining contestants, I found my mind wandering. How many airline seats would she have to book for her posterior? Can she actually fit into the ladies room on an airplane? And then there's the commode itself. Don't go there. Can she get into compact cars and were those jeans made especially for her, or are do they now consider "super size" jeans standard?

Yes, yes, I know, she has a fantastic voice and a shining spirit and those are the things that count. All I'm saying is keep away from the tight pants Mandisa. Please.

Paula Abdul and the Price of Beans

Kevin Covais got the boot on American Idol on Wednesday night. Not much to add, the show is dragging.

Simon's getting fed up with Paula and I don't blame him. Last month he told her:

"Shut-up, Paula, you're really annoying me now. You are. It's like being with some precocious child."

I think Simon wants Paula off the show and he's going about it by making her look crazy in a way reminiscent of the 1944 movie Gaslight. Ingrid Bergman's character is reduced to a gibbering wreck by the attempts of her husband to drive her insane. Her character's name? Paula Anton.

Paula is blaming Simon when she comes out with things like "one had pizza, the other one had salad" during the judging segments of American Idol.

Asked about her strange behavior on the show Paula told In Touch Weekly:

“If they say, ‘Paula is going crazy,’ the reason is Simon is whispering things in my ear, like, ‘What’s the price of beans?’ Things that make no sense at all.”

“Simon gave me advice and said on ‘The X Factor’ (his British TV series), he always refers to a fortune cookie,” Abdul explained.

"He says the moth who finds the melon finds the cornflake always finds the melon and one of you didn’t pick the right fortune.”

What's the deal Paula? You've never heard of the famous Chinese fortune cookie moth, melon and cornflake story?

American Idol - The Morning After

Tell me I didn't watch it again last night. Oh God! I did. The only performance that I remember this morning was Chris Daughtry's version of Johnny Cash's "I Walk the Line". It was dark and moody and original, or so it seemed. Plenty of talk out there in cyber space about Chris's originality, but it appears that he was just delivering the song as it was performed by the group Live. I thought the guy had himself a hit single, but that version of the song has already been done. I'm reluctant to provide links to music sites, with all the pop-ups, so you can either find your own link to Live's "I Walk the Line" or take your chances and go here, scroll down to number 19 and listen to a clip for yourself.

So American Idol was a waste of time last night, I didn't even get my Hicks Fix. They dressed him up like Pee Wee Herman. Someone should slap Kellie Pickler. Why? Just for the heck of it, that's why. I bet Ryan is going to do it, I think she might have tempted him last night. Right around the time that her little blank head focused in on one of the signs the audience was waving. "Oh look!" she twanged "there's a pickle!" Come on Ryan, you can do it - no one would blame you.

It's not even fun trying to spot the moment when Paula's happy pills kick in anymore. And Simon, for pity's sake don't touch your boobs, at least not while the camera is on you!

Stevie Wonder Singing Stevie Wonder

It appears that not only the contestants of American Idol had trouble singing Stevie Wonder songs. I would have liked to have heard the judges impression of the Wonder tonight:

Randy: Dude, you have to bring it every night, and you just didn't bring it tonight. It wasn't good for me, sorry dog.

Paula: Stevie, I just love your spirit, you are a star no matter how you sound.

Simon: That was just aaawwwwwful, it was like sitting here and listening to Stevie do bad Karaoke of Stevie. You've probably put half of the viewers to sleep and I think you just earned yourself a plane ticket home.

Why am I watching this show? Oh yeah, Taylor Hicks. Check out what Dave McGurgan has to say about American Idol, Stevie's performance and the departure of Melissa's boobs.

They Put Taylor in a Straight-Jacket!

Kellie Pickler has gone from Naughty Little Minx, to a Dolly Parton School of Fashion Graduate, according to Simon. Mr. Cowell, a word please. Isn’t American Idol your show? Isn’t this the part of the show where the contestants work with stylists in Hollywood? You might try placing the blame where the blame belongs and do a little firing. Or keep your stylists, but make sure Cojo is on hand to give his nod of approval. What the hell were they thinking?

Poor Taylor was in a suit that was about two sizes too small for him and it appeared to restrict him somewhat. I personally enjoy seeing Taylor turn into a windmill on stage. He’s like a good episode of Saturday Night Live. Most of you probably can’t remember a good episode, but it was back when John Belushi was alive.

Beautiful and talented Katharine McPhee has no dress sense whatsoever and the stylists haven’t helped that fashion disaster one bit. They put her in a maternity outfit. And did you see the shoes Mandisa was wearing? Ryan removed them for her, so that she could walk across the stage, but you don’t put that large a load on a tiny pair of high heels. It just goes against the basic laws of physics.

Bucky the Breck Girl! Oh, Bucky, how could you let them do that to your hair? Simon told him it was the Jessica Simpson look. Once again Simon, Bucky didn’t to that to himself, your people did it to him.

Who should get dumped tonight, besides the American Idol Stylists? Kevin Covais has a little Karma Call of his own coming up, and I'll be cheering if the little nerd goes. Why? He just dumped his girlfriend, to improve his popularity. Yes, he's young, too young to be saddled with a girlfriend when opportunities are knocking and there's probably more to the story, but I hope the little fart gets dumped. One good dumping deserves another.

Dining Out with Taylor Hicks

The gray hair, the smoldering eyes - imagine you've found yourself seated at a table for two with American Idol contestant Taylor Hicks. You feel proud to be out with the man who can so easily admit to having been the Easter Bunny at a mall. The waiter introduces himself and starts to tell you the specials. That's when the evening begins to take a strange slant. As the specials are described, Taylor follows each one up with a "Wooo" and his torso angles sideways, his neck stiffens. People are beginning to stare and you realize this is not going to be the kind of evening you had in mind.

You wonder if the guy has some kind of affliction - a good natured Tourette's Syndrome perhaps? Is he for real, full of adrenaline from the joy of living life and making music?

The wine arrives, none too soon and Taylor proposes a toast "to happiness". That's really sweet, all Taylor wants is to be happy. You take a nice long draw of the much needed beverage, a hearty Merlot, but as you swallow, Taylor reacts to the rich wine with another hoot, a holler and movement to the side that almost knocks him out of his chair. Wine comes out of your nose, which brings forth another spastic outburst from the good looking odd ball.

You order dinner, but it arrives in doggy bags. You are politely being asked to leave the first class restaurant and dinner is free of charge. Taylor is ecstatic, he doesn't know he's just been slighted. He whoops it up on the way out, thanking the waiters, the maitre d' and anyone who will listen, for what he perceives as a free picnic.

"Ain't Los Angeles great?" he marvels as you stroll to a nearby park, where you munch dinner out of containers. He's easier to be with outside of the confines of a busy restaurant. This has turned into a fun and memorable date, but you're still relieved when it's time to say goodnight and he doesn't try to plant one on you. Getting too close to Taylor Hicks doesn't seem like a safe bet.

But I am betting on him to be the winner of this year's American Idol.