American Idol - Jordin Sparks Wins

The suspense to find out who the next American Idol would be, was almost too much.

The show opened with Randy saying “Dude, I think it’s going to be a hot night”. He thinks he’s Paris Hilton. Everything is hot.

Gwen Stefani did her favorite song from her new CD. It was dreadfully dull, but she sang it while dressed up as a strawberry truffle, which was rather interesting. A truffle with black stockings and high heels.

Kelly Clarkson came out and shouted out a song. Thigh High boots were not a smart choice.

They did the Golden Idol Awards and Margaret Fowler won the first one. She was there in her oversized Tweety Bird outfit. They gave her much too much air time the first time.

What happened to Constantine Maroulis? Didn’t the dude used to be hot?

David Hasselhoff was smiling.

Up for the next Golden Idol award was the Best Buddies Award. We all knew who would win, and it wasn’t going to be Simon and Ryan or the tramp sisters, Antonella and Amanda. It was good to see Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Briggs again. Okay, it was really creepy to see them again, although Jonathan seems like a nice kid having a good time. Kenneth is Circus material. X-Files Circus material. Ryan says that American Idol sponsored a Bush Baby at the Milwaukee Zoo under the name of Simon. That’s kind of funny if it’s true. They have a Bush Baby at the Milwaukee Zoo, but no mention on the zoo's website of it being named Simon.

Ryan gave Jordin and Blake keys to their brand new Ford Mustangs.

The suspense was really getting to me. Who would win?

Carrie Underwood slowed down the pace with another boring song. At some point she was dressed as a moth.

Clive Davis came out and said that American Idol was a franchise and the contest was a sham and it didn't matter who won, because even an a conceited asshole like Chris Daughtry, who was voted off before Elliot Yamin, can come in and knock the current Idol, Taylor Hicks, right out of the playing field by selling a bazillion records against the two records Taylor Hicks sold. Or something like that.

He talked about Fantasia and the camera focused on Smokey Robinson. I guess when Smokey wears a pair of earrings, he’s a dead ringer for Fantasia.

Then there was Sanjaya backed up by Joe Perry. The little girl who cried was in the audience. She was crying. Maybe because she knew she was the butt of so many jokes, or perhaps they just pepper sprayed her again.

Green Day was more boring than the boring acts before them. They sang Working Class Hero and the lyrics to the song were:

A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Taylor Hicks. Smooth. He looked good and I woke up a bit.

Jordin finally got to sing with someone who made her look normal sized. I had no idea Rubin was so huge. I wanted to see him stand next to Blake.

The suspense was unbearable.

Bette Midler. Oh my. She sounded like an old lady. Okay, she’s 60 something, but you don’t expect someone heading to Vegas to take over from Celine to sound like an old lady, you know? That little twirl of the leather skirt was scary, not sexy.

Talking of Scary, Randy and Paula danced to Wind Beneath My Wings.

Kelly Clarkson came out and shouted out Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heartclub Band.

Carrie Underwood sang She’s Leaving Home wearing a dress she must have borrowed from Haley Scarnato’s wardrobe.

Cool commercial for the movie Transformers. I want to see it. I wanted to see it that very minute instead of the watching Idol. I have to wait until July.

It finally gets to the end of the show and we hear the judges opinions one more time for no particular reason.

Simon goosed Paula. Why? Because he can.

I need to know who won!!

The winner is Jordin. I am shocked, just shocked. Oh wait, I’d already checked the results before I watched the show. There was no suspense. Only dullness and boredom.

Blake is relieved that he’s not the one who’s first hit song is going be “This is My Friggin’ Now”.

Jordin sings it.

Group Hug. Shows Over.

American Idol Fans Choose a Sappy Song that Sucks

This is My Now. That song won the songwriting competition? If the winner of American Idol is the contestant who was able to sing the sappy song the best, it will be Jordin. Poor Blake did his best, but damn, that song was awful. AWFUL. Cringe-worthy.

There were 25,000 entries in this competition and this is what American Idol creator and producer Simon Fuller had to say about the winning entry:

“This song clearly resonated with the American Idol fans and was the clear winner of the Songwriter competition. Scott and Jeff wrote a song that speaks to why ‘American Idol’ is so popular – the pursuit and achievement of dreams and taking advantage of the moment.”

Gag.

Apart from that, the rest of the show was pretty lackluster. Jordin stuck to her same old boring routine, singing the same old boring songs in the same old boring way. Blake is much more fun, but he would have done better with Time of the Season over She Will be Loved, but apparently Blake doesn't want to win American Idol.

Tomorrow, it's over. Thursday So You Think You Can Dance starts again, which is much more entertaining and not nearly as annoying.

American Idol - the Final Three

Updated 5/17/07:

What was going on with Simon and Paula last night? They were sharing little inside jokes and being touchy-feely. Even Ryan Seacrest seemed out of the loop last night, or perhaps Simon was right and Ryan was drunk?

Paula may have managed to stay away from her stash of pills for most of the season, but as it creeps towards the end of this seemingly endless season of American Idol, it doesn't look like she'll make it through. She obviously took something last night that made Simon look good to her.

Does Randy Jackson know that he didn’t invent the phrase “Check it out” and that he says it at totally inappropriate times? He’d be cool if he wasn’t trying so hard to be cool.

American Idol was a better show last night. No Lakisha displaying her lack of personality. No charity pledges, no guest mentor’s ass to kiss, just the final three showing us what they’ve got.

Blake performing three songs was a real treat. "Roxanne", "This Love" and "When I Get You Alone". All three songs were well suited to his style and he seemed in his comfort zone last night.

Ryan asked Blake who would play him if they made a movie about his life and Blake replied that it would be Jim Carrey. Ryan said “because you’re so tall” referring to Blake's small stature against the 6’2” Carrey. Never mind that Jim Carrey is 45.

Jordin is a very talented young girl, but I’m just not a fan. She’s huge and yet she dresses in babydolls. Definitely not the look for a linebacker. I feel like I’ve seen and heard it all before when it comes to her style of singing. The arrangement of "Wishing on a Star" was disappointing. I’m sure she could have done that song justice. When she sang "I Who Have Nothing", she made my vocal cords hurt.

Melinda really pulled out the stops last night and she’s finally managed to look like she’s accepted the fact that she’s popular.

Who’s going to win? I have no clue, but Blake is still my favorite.

Greg Barber thinks “viewers will sling Blake out in a cardboard beatbox” tonight. For more on his take on American Idol, check it out at ReadExpress.

Update: Hey Greg, looks like Blake is riding his Cardboard Beatbox into the finale of American Idol! I'm going to be so happy when this season is over. Greg Barber's full recap of last night's show is worth a read.

American Idol - Last Man Standing

Not much to say about American Idol, since most of this weeks show was showing us what we watched last week. The best thing about American Idol at this point is that it's almost over. I am glad Blake Lewis is still in the running, but I'm clueless as to why LaKisha is still there.

Melinda Doolittle has pulled out of her shell and looks less like a turtle each week.

Is Jordin a giant, or is Ryan Seacrest a little person?

Next week Barry Gibb is the guest mentor. Torture.

American Idol - Highlights

Haley always seemed like a beauty pageant contestant who happened to wander into the wrong television program. I think her skimpy outfits were her downfall, although being in the top ten and on the American Idol Tour isn't much of a fall. I don't think Haley was getting the female vote. It's one thing to know you are sexy looking and have a good time with it, it's another thing to flaunt it and look smug about it, which is where Haley crossed the line. I guess she figured no one would notice her singing performance if they were distracted, but the obvious distraction ploy became annoying.

Sanjaya really knows how to play to the camera and he had me in stitches this week. Simon said his performance "wasn't horrible". Actually, it was, but I enjoyed the laugh. I like the guy, and he's a nice change from all the Justin Timberlake clones. He's healthy, probably doesn't do drugs and he's got good teeth. A perfect Idol for all the under fourteen's.

Blake Lewis is still my favorite to win.

The real Highlight of the show for me was Simon acknowledging his man boobs. He was hardly humiliated by the incident, but was a rather good sport.

American Idol - Getting Real

Over at WildBell.com, Will Campbell weighs in on American Idol and the Sanjaya Phenomenon:

Why do I subscribe to the idea that things are being manipulated so? Easy: the votes. I don’t believe them. There’s no audit. There’s no Price-Waterhouse organization validating things. There’s no disclosure about the process or which contestant got how many. Just Ryan each week spouting a big old nebulous sum total and week-in and week-out the nice kid with little talent who should be getting the fewest magically isn’t. and the apoplepia grows.

You can read the rest of Will's piece here: And Now for a Few Words About American Idol.

American Idol - I've Been Sanjayed

Yes, it happened to me. Last year my favorite, from the beginning, was Taylor Hicks. A big plus for me was that I found him entertaining. Sanjaya is no Taylor Hicks, but he is…….. well, Sanjaya. I am both entertained and amused. I laughed throughout his entire performance on Tuesday night and then laughed some more at Randy Jackson, who is always amused by Sanjaya.

Sanjaya was in the top three last night, along with Jordin and LaKisha. This is wrong. And it’s even more wrong for me to say this, but something bothers me about LaKisha. It bothers me more than Melinda’s neck, or lack thereof, and that something is LaKisha’s face. She looks like if she had to chew gum and think at the same time, the gum would fall out of her mouth, know what I mean?

Blake Lewis was in the middle three. That’s just wrong too. He is the winner, everyone else can go home now. Or that’s how it should be.

The bottom three: I keep waiting for Phil to shine, but he teeters between steamy crooner and creepy psycho guy. I’m always on the fence about him. Hayley, well she’s playing the T and A card still and needs to go home. Gina is out, no surprise. I was always so distracted by the tongue stud that I couldn’t tell you if she could sing or not.

And you know what else? Sanjaya could win this, he really could.

American Idol - A Tiresome Show

Chris Sligh goes home and I'll bet when he gets there he'll just crawl into bed and sleep for a few days, which is pretty much how I feel just watching the damn show. Each week Chris seemed to have less energy and he chose a high energy song to sing and failed to keep up with the tempo.

Blake Lewis should have been the one singing Bathwater, not Sanjaya. However, I'm starting to like Sanjaya. He's having fun with his strange fame and the kid makes me laugh.

Gwen Stefani's performance was interesting.

Who the hell is Akon?

Wasn't it good to have a new episode of House on Tuesday?

I'm not going to watch American Idol next season. Really. I'll take an evening class. French, Feng Shui, an Erotic Cooking Class. Something, anything, but I will not turn my website into an Idol Blog ever again....... after this season.

American Idol - Just Say "NO"

his is your brain:



This is your brain on American Idol:



It's no surprise to learn that the crying girl on American Idol was deliberate manipulation. Check out "Move Over David Hasselhoff" on the MTV website. She's already on the talk show circuit - here she is on the Today Show.

Saying "no" to American Idol doesn't mean you have to stop watching, but don't contribute to the money making machine by buying American Idol products or calling in and voting.

Remember, this is the show that gave us Sanjaya.

American Idol - Sinking to a New Low

So what did you think of “Ashley”, the little drama queen who cried through the entire show? Maybe she was overwhelmed in the beginning, being there and seeing it all up close and personal, but then she became a prop. One they worked in Sanjaya’s favor.

Did you notice that her tears had dried up at some point and she was even shown to be smiling? I think they pepper sprayed the kid during the commercial break just to make sure she'd be teary eyed for the grand finale, when they hauled her up on stage in what appeared to be an attempt to validate this ridiculous television show.

Sanjaya. You’ve got to give the guy credit. He knows he’s not still in the running because of his vocal talent, but he’s got appeal in that Tiger Beat, Teeny Bopper kind of way and he worked it to the hilt last night.

I’m not going to Sanjaya bash, but for those of you who like the Kinks, I know how you suffered when he "performed " You Really Got Me.

The contestants were mostly boring. Stephanie and Lakisha have fabulous voices, but their performances were dull. Haley brought out the T and A card last night. I’m not sure it will be enough to save her at this point.

Lulu and Peter Noone were delightful guests and so unpretentious, but it was the awesome Blake Lewis who made the show worth watching last night. He chose Time of the Season. His beatboxing and unique voice worked with this song and he delivered the most enjoyable performance in an otherwise bland evening of American Idol.

What if Sanjaya wins? At least one woman will starve and Simon will quit the show.

American Idol - Something to Bitch About

Who is the “cocky SOB” Sundance referred to in a recent interview? I thought it might be my favorite, Blake Lewis and even wondered about Sanjaya being an SOB in Sheepish clothing, but I’m now leaning toward Chris Richardson.

Alright, I admit it, I’ve gone soft on Sanjaya. The kid isn’t voting for himself, so why are we annoyed with him? Because he doesn’t deserve to be there. We know it, he knows it and in case he ever forgets, the judges are there to remind him in no uncertain terms. Sanjaya made it to the bottom two yesterday and he looked happy. When Ryan told him he was staying, he gave Brandon a hug and walked back to the gallows….. I mean winners circle like a doomed man. He doesn’t want to come back next week any more than we want him back next week. Time to stop Sanjaya bashing.

Sanjaya sings better than Diana Ross sang last night. After the big Vegas entrance, she delivered a big let down in her performance. Check out “Lady Shrieks the Blues”.

I’m so happy that Thursday evening is now Idol free. Why do I watch it? It’s the only thing I have to bitch about these days.

Sanjaya is Love, Diana Ross is a Whale

What a weird Idol it was last night. Diana Ross said that Sanjaya was “Love” and Simon called Diana Ross a “Whale”.

Last night on American Idol, after Sanjaya had finished slaughtering “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” Simon said:

“When you hear a whale in Beverly Hills”

and then he paused. A whale in Beverly Hills? Was this going to be another of Simon's Moth, Melon and Cornflake stories? He continued with:

“that is where Diana Ross is watching this show”.

Wait, what? Oh, a “wail” in Beverly Hills. Okay, whatever. He finished off with:

“The only similarity is the hairstyle. I don’t know what else so say, you are very brave”.

Sanjaya's performance was awful, although it cracked Randy Jackson up. When Jackson finally quit his giggling, he said "Dude, it wasn't very good".

Sanjaya resembles Michael Jackson, when Michael Jackson was still a cute young black man, in the early stages of his skin bleaching. Idol Addict thinks Sanjaya’s song choice should have been “I’m Coming Out”. Good one!

I think the judges were off last night. Maybe it was the bigger, fancier arena they were housed in for the first time, or the full band. Or Paula was sharing her happy pills again – or pills of some sort

Must have been a fairly sober night for all those who play the American Idol Drinking Game. A shot for every time Randy says “pitchy”. I think he only said it once or twice last night.

Chris Sligh was my favorite. He took that dreadful, sappy song “Endless Love” and turned it into something wonderful. The judges hated it.

Blake Lewis was next in line for originality in my book, although a little off in his singing. I enjoyed what he did with "You Keep Me Hanging On". Once again, the judges not so impressed. Were they hearing what we were hearing?

I’m not blown away by anyone else on American Idol. Blake Lewis is the one who should win that title, based on talent, originality and showmanship, but I can’t help wonder if he is the cocky SOB of which a newly booted Sundance spoke. What does it matter? We want to be entertained, not make a best friend.

Entertainment. That’s what it should be about. When I watch LaKisha on stage, I’m not entertained. She has an outstanding voice. So do a million other people. She has no showmanship and I don’t enjoy her performances. That’s truly what I feel is lacking with most of the would-be idols. Showmanship.

Phil has a rich voice, but he’d make a better character actor. A perp on CSI perhaps.

The good news is that we only have to endure American Idol for two nights this week and it’s only a half an hour tonight. The bad news is with all the dead weight they still need to ditch, only one contender gets the boot each week from now on.

Want more Idol chat about last night? Check out the entire piece over at Idol Addict, complete with some good pictures (loved the one of Phil and Nosferatu) and a fun read.

American Idol - Wishing Sanjaya Into the Cornfield

I know I’m late with my American Idol rant, but here it is anyway: Antonella finally got the boot. The girl can’t sing that well and she has all the personality of a rubber duck. Okay, a naughty, cute little rubber duck. She’ll get plenty of work, although I doubt that it will be in the music business.

Sanjaya didn’t get voted off. Why not? How can this be? Why does the theme song from The Crying Game go through my head every time I see him? Who is voting for him and was anyone in America actually surprised that he dances the Hula? I don't think so. Please, please, next week wish him into the Cornfield. It's time for Sanjaya to go live in Neverland with his biological father. First we have to endure him singing a Diana Ross song on Tuesday. Too much.

Sabrina Sloan was voted off. Do you care?

Jared Cotter is gone too.

Sundance “Pubic Chin” Head was voted off – if we had to be stuck with a weird little dude, I’d have preferred him over Hula Boy.

The most frequent search that brings people to my website is no longer "Taylor Hicks Girlfriend" although it's a close second. Now it is "Antonella Barba Toilet”. What’s wrong with people? If you’ve come here hoping to see a picture of her peeing, piss off.

No wonder Simon is grumpy so much of the time.

Annoying Antonella Around for Another Week

Damn. Not only do we have to put up with her again next week, but Sanjaya is still on Idol. How is that possible? He's a sweet kid, but everything about him bugs me. How many teeth do they have between them? Too many.

Nick Pedro was voted off - he has talent but as Simon pointed out there was a lack of charisma. A.J. Tablado was the other guy to go. It doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'm disappointed that Leslie Hunt got the boot, but was ready to see the last of Alaina Alexander.

And what the hell happened to sweet little ol' Kellie Pickler? Hollywood happened, that's what. She's got a brand new pair of shoes and brand new pair of breasts.

The good news? No more American Idol for the next four days.

American Idol - Antonella Must Go

Did I say I was starting to feel sorry for Antonella? I’m back to wanting her voted off Idol. She has no business being there and her crack at Simon about him being wrong about Jennifer Hudson was really off the mark. She’s no Jennifer Hudson and Antonella’s popularity has nothing to do with her limited talent.

None of the women are stand outs as Idols. Leslie Hunt is the only truly unique one of the bunch, but she’s a little odd, in a deranged kind of way. She sang “Feeling Good” and the a cappella opening was promising, but then she got that look in her eyes, started scatting and then morphed into “Crazy Leslie”.

House is back next Tuesday, which means a little less Idol and a little more substance to our television viewing.

American Idol – Are We There Yet?

Nope, still a bunch to weed through. The guys were pretty good last night, my favorite still being Blake Lewis. I even lightened up a bit toward Chris Sligh, who dedicated “Trouble” to his wife. Sanjaya was the weakest link and I'm sure this is his last week on Idol.

I thought the judges were in rare form last night and were actually amusing. Simon and Paula seem to be having a thing……. and Simon and Ryan seem to be having a thing too. I don’t think Randy is included in their “thing” though. The thing must be pretty good judging by their moods.

Tonight we have the girls and I’m actually starting to feel sorry for Antonella Barba, and all the photos floating around on the Internet. And with friends who take pictures of you on the toilet, who needs enemies? Wait, why on earth would someone pose for a picture on the toilet? Apparently, that's what they do for kicks in Point Pleasant "Toilet Photo, USA" New Jersey:

''It's the way this town is: Everybody knows everything about their friends,'' said Mark Dillon, 17. ''At least half the people in this town have pictures of their friends on the toilet. I've personally seen at least 20. It's only because she's on TV that they're online.''

Maybe someone can send these kids some video games or take them to the movies.

The girls are pretty good, but other than Antonella, I have a hard time remembering even one of them.

When is House going to be back on?

Idol Burnout

I'm not even sure I can sit through another minute of American Idol this week. I might just watch CSI instead. Gil Grissom is back, so it'll be the real deal. I've already cheated and looked at the results of tonight's American Idol elimination show. If you want to sit through your fifth hour of Idol tonight, then don't click on this link which will tell you the results and give you the option of watching something else.

Anything else would be good, especially if it doesn't have Fantasia Barrino as a guest star. Was she ever in CSI? God, I hope not. Ryan Starr was. Do you remember her? She was in the first season of American Idol and I was sure she would win. She played a corpse on CSI.

If I have Idol Burnout, what do Simon, Paula and Randy feel like? Out of thousands and thousands of young talent, this is the best America has to offer? I don't believe that can be true. I think that the people who processed the auditions were focusing so much on letting through the freaks and geeks for our entertainment purposes (and they did a great job on that end) that they forgot they'd need actual talent at the end of the show.

That's all the Idol Chat from me this week.

Too Much American Idol

I'm losing interest already. This part of American Idol is never my favorite, but I'm not really partial to any of the contestants this year.

Chris Sligh lost my vote last night with his "Teletubby" barb thrown at Simon. Very unprofessional. Simon made a lot of money off that hit album. It's business, not a music preference.

Blake Lewis, the beatboxer, stood out this week by not beatboxing. Other than that, it's a real milk-toast competition at this point. No one has the WOW factor.

Tonight the ladies get their shot. As you know, I'm hoping Antonella Barba will get voted off this week, but no favorites to take the lead at this point.

I'm posting this gratuitous picture of Antonella and friend to make up for the boring nature of this post and my lack-luster enthusiasm. Five hours of American Idol in one week? It's just too much.

Bitches of Idol - One Down, One to Go

The Bitches of Idol. Who are they? The delusional dilettantes Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba. I thought that Baylie Brown had a real shot at being the next American Idol, but being paired up with "best friends" Amanda and Antonella did not bode well for her future.
Maybe Baylie needed a little humbling. At 16 years of age, with beauty and talent, she was ripe to become an unbearable diva, but now that she's had a reality check, I'm hoping she's the wildcard they bring back into the competition.

When Baylie was distraught over being cut, Amanda speculated that it could be because "God likes good people". When Amanda was questioned about the fact that she chose to flirt with the boys, instead of rehearsing with her group, she said that she and Antonella can have “as many boys as we want at home.” Perhaps she can turn that into a paying gig since home is where she was sent to the next day.

One arrogant bitch down, one to go.

More on The Bitches of Idol:

From TV Robot:

When Baylie is crying and Amanda and Antonella are coldly distancing themselves—standing a foot away and not offering any condolences—Baylie accurately points out how difficult it is to be sent home after working hard while another goes off to flirt with boys.

Amanda tells American Idol cams she did NO such thing, as the cameras cut to the scene where is doing just that. She also, arm in arm with her equally icky best friend, says she has plenty of opportunities for attracting boys back home.

From ReadExpress.com:

Poor Baylie has been stuck with "best friends" and future mob wives Amanda and Antonella and they argue in their theater seats about song choice. Sneaky cutting makes it appear as if Baylie is hearing gorgeous harmonies from other groups, so she's extra frustrated. They don't know the words, so Amanda decides to go strut her short-shorts around a roomful of practicing boys, while Baylie and Antonella decide it's not worth staying up and memorizing words and go to bed.

And from BlogCritics.org:

Amanda actually had the gall to comment that "God allowed only good people" to go through. Man, I wanted to see this little bitch go down in flames after she said that.

And from AmericanSuperstar.com

Baylie Brown decided to hook up with Wonder Twins Amanda and Antonella. Bad move. Not only did she forget her words and get the boot, but she also discovered the Twins special powers were lying and backstabbing.

American Idol – Poking Out Your Mind’s Eye

That’s just nasty! I think we could have done without that close up last night. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Jasmine Holland was showing off things she shouldn’t have been showing off for the viewing public, she sounded terrible and had a nasty attitude to go with the look.

She said that “Randy looks like a fat slob, like he got up and put on anything”. This, coming from a woman who pried her oversized ass into a pair of undersized gauchos. Her family blamed Simon, I mean he’s not even American and they thought he should go back to…… French – until they found out he was British and then they wanted to send him back to ……British, cause you know, those British people can’t tell if Americans can sing or not.

Then there was Jacob Tutor who had a disturbing Charles Manson quality about him. Simon said he should have been singing his chosen song in a “very dark room”. Perhaps to his latest victim.

Tonight we have the last of the auditions, before the show moves to Hollywood. They say they have saved the best and the worst for last. I just can’t wait.

American Idol

No time for a full Idol update this week.

With all the usual array of pathetic no talent wannabees and the mix of mentally ill outpatients who wandered in, one person stands out from this week's offerings. Sherman Pore. Well over Idol's cut-off age of 29, he was a man with a mission. He sang "You Belong to Me" for his departed lady friend and he did her proud.

Oh.... and then there's Jamie Lynn Ward, this year's Kellie Pickler.

Update:No Jury Duty today after all, so here's a little more on American Idol.I find myself mostly disgusted at the self entitlement of the brainless, talentless fools who parade themselves in front of Simon, Randy and Paula and the viewing public. They strut their stuff, tell the judges that they are the next American Idol and when they fail to impress, they fall to their knees and beg for a second chance. When they don't get one, they turn abusive, foul mouthed and start making rude signs with their fingers. Some of them go crying to their mamas.

I'm hoping they selected the worst to make fun of and these people are in no way representative of today's youth.

Now get off my lawn you crazy kids!

American Oddball

Who can blame Simon Cowell for being a bit on the pissy side these days? He was part of a television program about finding great talent in America, but with every passing season, it goes further down the road of exploiting the mentally ill for our viewing amusement and since that interprets to ratings, it's not likely to change.

Not much stands out from the Memphis auditions, but the New York segments livened things up. The level of desperation is disturbing. The no talent contestants will beg, plead, cry and grovel to get that shot at fame.

Poor little Nakia wanted her trip to Hollywood, she had to go to Hollywood so as to not let down her family and friends. If she just hadn't sung that second song so badly, she might have got the pity vote that day.

Sarah Goldberg is not a well person. She knows she can't sing, but she's willing to be taught. The judges don't grasp her concept. She turns scary - scarier.

What to say about quasi-orgasmic sounds that came out of oddball Isadora Furman?

Joe Getty, from my favorite morning radio duo of Armstrong and Getty, summed her unique sound up nicely, saying that she sounded like “A woman having sex while dragging pots and pans and Clydesdales across a wooden gym floor while being worked over by the Syrian police.”

I can't top that.

American......... What?

The aliens have landed and they are gathering in Seattle. Time to call Mulder and Sculley. The contestants for this season's American Idol resemble the cast of an X-Files episode – “Humbug”. If the show was about finding freaks for a carnival, then Seattle would have been the mother-lode.

Kenneth "I am a man not a monkey" Briggs. Simon compared him to a Bush "also not a monkey" Baby. Too kind. Did he really think he could be the next American Idol? He couldn't sing, he couldn't dance and he really is very scary looking. I felt sorry for the judges having to look at him in person. It must have been quite unsettling.

Darwin (Misha) Reedy. At 27 years of age, she resembles someone's eccentric old auntie, someone who has long ago gone to seed and whose large, pendulous, sagging breasts swayed around beneath the wrinkled satiny blouse while she did an impersonation of Ben Stein doing the Pussycat Dolls "Don't Cha". I cringed. I actually felt sorry for Simon who did seem to try and control his horror. Don't even get me started on her mother, who obviously never had that all important mother-daughter conversation about the benefits of a good brassiere. Shame on you lady!

Nicholas Zitzmann trying to sing Unchained Melody. That's just sad. The guys at the office, the ones who encouraged him to try out for American Idol, must have had their payoff big last night. Watch your backs boys, there's psycho in his eyes. He'll make you pay.



Eric Chapman almost got his ass kicked by security, when he suddenly decided he wanted to assault Simon with some hair gel. I wish they had beat on him, just for being a Taylor-want-to-be. Way, way out of your league buddy! Stick with cutting hair.

There is so much more to say about this horrifyingly funny television program, but that's all I have time for now. More to come.

If you missed it go here and click on the Seattle Recap for a sampling of the weirdness.